Embracing the Identity of Being Queer

Everyone has their own personal coming out story. I, however, didn't realize that coming out was something that would be a big deal for me until very recently. And, although this post is on a public forum, I'm really not "out" beyond my community here at college. Before getting to college, I had dated and been interested in women. I kissed them, and we went on casual dates, but I had never thought much of it, to be honest. I was primarily educated on the topic through the Internet, and had had very little conversation centered around the matter with other people.

I had educated myself on the idea of being gay or bisexual through online forums and various articles published on the internet; those sources were (for the most part) fairly liberal and progressive. I knew that I, obviously, couldn't tell the Jehovah's Witness portion of my family about being gay, but I didn't understand the oppression that comes along with that identity yet.

For me, up until my sophomore year of college, dating women was simply something that I did. It wasn't an identity that I held. Looking back, I think that there had been so much going on in my life that it was a self-protective measure. Embracing this queer identity was honestly pretty jarring. Embracing something as an identity is the difference between someone not liking something that you're doing and someone not liking you. It feels vulnerable, and I think that it's real thing that the LGBT+ community "queer-bonds" over. I can tell you the exact moment that I began to understand this concept, too.

I was at RA training in the summer before classes started, and we were asked to split off into rooms based off of what identities we held. (race/gender/etc.) I followed the mob of white women to a lecture hall where we were to discuss the types of stereotypes/oppression that our group faces. (Having a discussion on oppression with a large group of white people, regardless of gender, generally turns into an unhelpful mess.) Had I known that there was an LGBT+ room available, I probably would have followed two of my fellow staff members there. It hadn't occurred to me that this group would have their own room/discussion - nor did it occur to me to value my gay identity as more important than my identity as a white woman.

When we got back, we were supposed to report our findings to the crowd, and the two women (who I now consider to be two of my best friends) from our staff walked up to represent the LGBT+ group of people. Talking to them after their presentation really changed my whole perspective. They were not only queer, but also proud. It was the first time that I had heard the word queers used by anyone to describe themselves. I found that I was jealous of their confidence and comfort, and talking to them after brought the idea to my mind that this is something about myself that people who are close to me need to know. How could I feel truly accepted by someone if I didn't know that they would still associate with me if I were gay?

This began a semester long journey for me, where I wrestled with (and continue to explore) same sex relationships and being a femme-presenting queer person.

But two bold and beautiful friends of mine can trace it all back to that 1-minute presentation, before I ever even thought we could be friends.